Leaf me alone!

adult alone autumn brick

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Leaf me alone is ethnic humor that could once pass between friends of different backgrounds.  It was cool when my Mexican American friend used it 40 (are you kidding me?  Forty?) years ago in our Army barracks in (then West) Germany (quite a history lesson here, eh, kids?)

When my friend John C. (whom I annoyed by calling him Juan Carlos) was having a bad day, he would exaggerate a stereotypical Chicano accent and tell the world, Leaf me alone, esay.

It’s Wednesday as I type this.  Hump Day, midweek, and, deep down inside, a caregiver somewhere is screaming at the cosmos.  Leaf me alone, esay.

My morning meditation turned up that very scream, aimed at no less than God, albeit in an ancient Hebrew version:

Take your affliction from me; I am worn down by the blows of your hand…Turn your gaze from me, that I may be glad again, before I go my way and am no more. (Psalm 39)

While our insides might scream Leaf me alone and Turn your gaze from me, family caregivers are good at smiling for the outside world and thanking people for well intended compliments like You must be a very special person for God to entrust you with this.

Some friends are perceptive enough to make a face and say, Man, I’d go crazy if I had to do that.  Or, as one counselor told a family caregiver, You’re very skilled at living in hell.

I’ve noticed on doctor visits that the “depression inventory” forms the nurses sometimes require include feeling like you would be better off dead alongside the more direct any thoughts of harming yourself?

The former is more common.  It’s not necessarily a threat of suicide but is an inner dialogue by which overwhelmed people say leaf me alone.

That doesn’t mean we’re just “venting.”  It is horrible to be in the place where life (or at least our place in it) is no longer viewed as a gift to enjoy.  Such thoughts can indicate the need for medical help, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of that.  Care giving takes a toll.

No great advice for you here.  You already know the responses… things like

  • Take respite.  I know, I know, IF it’s available.  Which it sometimes ain’t.  Like a prison inmate, you might have to create it in your own head.
  • Have friendships/activities not tied up in care giving issuesLeaf me alone is about the grind, not about all relationships and activities.  Some are welcome – so welcome them.
  • Try to prepare and eat healthy foods.  I can tell you that I’ve become a decent cook over the years.  It is more work but if you fight off the urge to microwave junk and get on with preparing more fresh stuff, you’ll feel better and you’ll find some fun and good mental activity in it.  And talking about recipe ideas with others is a great way to keep conversations from wallowing in care giving stuff.
  • Exercise – even if just walking the dog around the block.  As Mrs. Obama said, Get up and move.  Get your blood flowing and your heart and lungs working.  Turn some of the boring household chores into opportunities to stretch and flex yourself.  If you normally reach with one hand to do a task, try using the other hand.  If you tend to favor one knee while kneeling to pick up stuff, bend the other one.  Your whole system will benefit from little efforts like these.  Taking on one resented chore each day can give a sense of accomplishment, too.

I know – these things are hard to establish and maintain in many care giving situations.  But they are the antidotes to Leaf me alone, which was funny the way my friend said it but not funny in care giving.

Recovery reversal

Our son with autism has Seizure Disorder in his overall diagnostic and safety data.  The seizures came on with puberty and were terrifying intrusions in his teen years.

Now he’s in his 20s and the seizures have faded but not gone away.  They show up now and again with much less intensity.  Well, for him.  Not for us.

It used to be that a seizure knocked him out for a good 24 hours.  He would sleep and snore or at least breathe heavily until a groggy reentry into our world.  ‘Twas up to us to stay alert and watch over him.

Last night he was here for dinner and a small seizure broke through.  He knew it was coming; he knelt on a big beanbag chair in our front room and hugged the dog, protecting himself from the risk of a fall.  (Confused the heck out of the dog, though, as our son seldom interacts with the pets).

We thought, Wow, that’s sweet!  He’s hugging the dog… Then we noticed his forearms were rigid and vibrating.

It ended quickly.  We rolled him on his side on the beanbag chair but he was up and talking in a few minutes.  He went on to have full dinner and a pleasant evening amusing himself and deflecting our efforts to engage him in anything that seems like work (that’s normal – a sign that he’s fine).

Today he was all smiles, had a big breakfast and is off to his day program.

We, in contrast, continue to recover.  Neither of us slept well, as we hovered on the edge of sleep listening for sounds of another seizure.  I took a sick day from work to recover.

It is good that he’s moved on to his group home, because we are so absolutely aging out as caregivers.

Today I feel for the folks who care for (and age with) their spouses, who don’t have group homes or agencies to take over the work.  As one said,

They looked at my diet. They looked at my life style, my BMI and they are like “There is no reason for this!” I am almost diabetic and there is nothing to indicate WHY I should be – STRESS!!!!! That is one of the worst things on a body – my body can’t take much more STRESS! Despite the yoga, the chammomile, the meditation, the walking and support -being a caregiver is MONOTOMY PLUS and horribly stressful. There is no cure.

Pardon my language, but…

Caregiver Health Risks

Not sure we needed research to tell us this but maybe it will awaken some compassion in others who haven’t walked down (yes DOWN, as in stumble, fall, get up, repeat) our path.

Caring for others ain’t good for your health.  And if you fit certain profiles you’re at greater risk:

Participants with emerging chronic health problems experienced the biggest declines in health, with rates of hypertension, arthritis and rheumatism, digestive diseases, chronic lung and heart diseases more than doubling.

Being older, female, not receiving a pension, not feeling financially adequate and having depressive symptoms and functional limitations at the start were also associated with worse health among caregivers at the final follow-up.

deadI don’t have most of those factors working against me but stress about not feeling financially adequate is kicking my posterior.  Well, that and turning 60.  I get short of breath and feel overall weakness after bouts of anxiety – it’s like I can feel my own death settling in.

So, you know the drill.  You go to a doctor or other professional or even a friend you perceive as wise and you lay it all out and the reply is,

Hey, take care of yourself.

Take time for you.

Exercise, diet, sleep.

And of course your anxiety goes back up because these are exactly the things that are getting wiped out of your life and why you asked for help in the first place.

I go to the Bible often because it’s not the pie in the sky that many assume it to be.  Much of it is written to and for people caught in rotten situations.  There’s precious little “here’s how to fix it” and much more empathy and simple encouragement to hang in there, because who you are and what you do has meaning.  Here’s a good bit:

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.  (1 Peter 5:5-11)

Yes – there are wretched things happening to you and to many folks just like you.

No – it won’t go on forever.

Yes – There are evil voices trying to talk you into despair.

No – those voices aren’t the final say.

Yes – there is divine power on your side.

The Greek word translated cast (cast your burdens) is a verb associated with throwing loads on pack animals.  Which is to say that when you pray – when you try to talk to the divine power about what you’re going through – you do NOT need to be elegant, gentle, proper, pious or whatever you think that talking to divine power entails.

Dump the load on God and insist – insist – that he carry what you can’t.

Did you catch the next line?  God will because he cares for you.

God can be the caregiver to caregivers.  Because the divine power does not get sick and die from taking care of us.  God has no risk factors.