Back in my Army days in Germany, I was sitting with some friends in a restaurant bar. There was another American at another table, trying to pick up a German woman.
She didn’t speak much English, it was clear, so he attempted to connect by… getting louder. As if raising his voice could overcome their lack of common language.
I ran into a couple of interesting articles today, each about building connection with people in our care.
In Getting Into Their Heads, Carol Bradley Bursack encourages caregivers to refrain from arguing with those in our care who live with dementia. She encourages rolling with delusions where practical, building a bridge to the caree’s reality, in one case buying a particular school’s class ring for her dad, who believed he’d lost his (he’d never had one in the first place). She writes,
This is only one example of the effect of not arguing about “facts” with someone who has a different view of facts than you have. To someone with dementia, what they believe is just as true as what you and I believe to be true is to us.
She is quick to acknowledge that this is not always feasible, but still a tool to keep in our kit,
Sometimes…all we can do is try to comfort them and get them through to the next cycle. But why would we want to do that when we don’t have to? Isn’t it easier to agree that the sky is green that day than swear it’s blue? Who does it hurt?
A New York Times piece explores building social connection with people living with autism. The two professors who combined on it are concerned that people assume limitations rather than explore possibilities:
Insisting that autistic people behave in ways that they are unable to can lead to feelings of learned helplessness, self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and, eventually, social withdrawal. As an autistic participant in one study explained: “I have been endlessly criticized about how different I looked, criticized about all kinds of tiny differences in my behavior. There’s a point where you say, ‘To hell with it, it’s impossible to please you people.’”
The danger of being assumed to be socially uninterested is especially acute for the roughly one-third of autistic people who do not use spoken language reliably. Like other autistic people, they behave in ways that get misinterpreted, and they may not be able to correct the record.
For all of us, whether we are socially motivated at any given time depends on much more than our innate predisposition for sociability. It also depends on how we’ve been treated in the past; our ability to tune out distracting sights, sounds, smells, thoughts and feelings; and the attitudes and behaviors of potential social partners.
They are articulating what many agencies call Person Centered Care. We do well to learn the modes and means of social interaction that work for a particular person and build from there.
Our son with autism uses movie lines (especially lyrics from musicals) to reach out to others, and can be engaged in return by those who “learn his language.” He is capable of expressive and receptive social communication, but not always on our expected terms.
So, like the GI at the German table, don’t just raise your voice.
Well, unless the person in your care likes yelling.