“But We Had Hoped…”

Hope you’re all well. Hope you are getting gorgeous spring weather like we are here in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, where our lad Henry the Golden Retriever enjoyed a long Sunday stroll.

I attended church online Sunday morning and the message was on my mind as I walked the dog. In last Sunday’s Bible lesson there’s a back and forth between Jesus and two of his followers who think he’s dead and gone. It includes

“…our chief priests and rulers delivered him up to be condemned to death, and crucified him. But we had hoped that he was the one to redeem Israel…” And he said to them, “O foolish ones, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Was it not necessary that the Christ should suffer these things and enter into his glory?” 

The preacher pointed out the gap between the expectations laid on Jesus by the two followers – we had hoped – and the reality defined by Jesus – was it not necessary?

Are you feeling frustration as a caregiver (or in just about any other life role)? It is likely that you’re in that gap between the expectations you’ve laid on reality and reality itself.

One of the big and obvious expectations is that your sincere efforts and good intentions should provide wonderful outcomes. Those in your care should be happy, progressing in life skills and enjoyments and thankful as all get out for your labors.

In contrast, the reality may leave you gasping But we had hoped.

We do a formidable job of laying our expectations on God or the universe or whatever greater reality we posit. And we certainly lay them on those around us.

The cosmic reply is Was it not necessary that…?

We had hoped that those in our care would fall in line with our well devised plans. Was it not necessary that they should find their own hopes, dreams, pleasures and directions – even their own blunders – apart from ours?

We had hoped that taking care of others would be enough and that some of life’s other demands would pass us by. Was it not necessary that the fullness of life, pleasant and painful, be our lot, connecting us with all other human beings?

We had hoped that bending our lives to the needs of others would make us into valued and happy people. Was it not necessary that we find our value and joy as unique people instead of as reactive extensions of others, dependent on their moods for our validation?

We had hoped that a big, dependable world of institutions would take care of us. Was it not necessary to see that all the institutions are fragile and flawed and that we, with all of our personal limitations, remain the first and best resource to those in our care?

I think one of the opportunities within the shutdowns and quarantines is the time and space to tumble into the gap between our expectations and reality, and to start climbing back up the slope toward the reality side. It can be exhausting and leave us with a good share of scrapes and bruises, but, like Jesus told those two guys, it is necessary if we’re to find a glorious outcome.

Covid-19 Caregiving Quirks

Too much or too little, it seems.

As you might guess, many families are dealing with special needs kids at home since schools and other community programs are closed. They fall in the too much bunch. For the caregivers, there’s no respite. Now they are having to go all in as teachers and therapists on top of all the other roles caregiving demands.

And for many kids with special needs – autism in particular – the disruption of daily routines and relationships is hell.

So you’ve got disoriented kids seeking to reorder their connections to the world and overtaxed caregivers trying, in the best case, to help that happen – but also tempted by the rush of demands to impose an order that just exasperates and exhausts kids and caregivers alike.

Our family is in the too little bunch. Our son is safe and well cared for in his group home, but that’s where he stays 24/7 as all off site programs shut down when the schools closed.

And we can’t take him out for a visit – if we do, he has to stay here indefinitely. And having lived that life for a few decades, we aren’t up to jumping back into the too much bunch.

We’ve tried to generate some family connection by making Friday night meals to deliver to the residents and staff of the group home. We sent along the smiley picture and greeting poster below. Joey came down to the door when dropped it all off the first night, so we got to wave and say some hellos.

Since then, he’s decided not to come to the door, preferring to do whatever he does in the run up to dinner. The second night we dropped off a meal, our call of, Joey, come to the door was answered with a big ol’ NOOO from his inner sanctum.

Yep, that was too little for us but it gave us a laugh as that’s Joey’s personality. It doesn’t mean a lack of affection, just means that he’s comfy where he is and we’ll get back to weekly visits at our house when this virus stuff is lifted.

Just brainstorming here, but what are some things we can do to help out our too much and too little care giving neighbors?

For those who are in the too much bunch, locked down all together, providing respite isn’t an option since it will violate social distancing. But that doesn’t mean you can’t call, text, video chat, drop greeting cards or send other signs of affection.

Also, with many markets restricting shoppers to one person per cart, families with special needs kids are more restricted than most when it comes to grocery runs. Maybe you can pick up and drop off supplies – sure, it’s nice if you can gift the stuff, but even if the family is game to pay you will be doing a big service by shopping and delivering.

If you have some good educational, social or therapy activities that have worked with special needs kids, pass those along to families who are navigating too much territory. Your experiences can make their extended time together more enjoyable and productive.

For the too little league, find out if there are things you can do to support the residents and staff who can’t venture out or welcome visitors. Food is always fun – we are enjoying the weekly dinner prep and delivery to Joey’s group home. A local pizza place has been delivering meals to the staff at local clinics and care agencies. Partner with friends, neighbors, churches, local businesses, etc. and come up with fun ways to send some love and practical relief where folks have too little contact with loved ones outside.

More thoughts, ideas or just plain venting and pleading? All are welcome in the comments here or at our Facebook Page.