Goldilocks Syndrome

Some cute bears just because bears are in the story.  Irrelevant, really.

Some cute bears just because bears are in the story. Irrelevant, really.

I’m assuming that you all know the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. If not go read it here before it gets banned or something.

Anyway, the key is that the little home invader keeps trying stuff out in the bears’ house – food, furniture, whatever – and goes through a “too much, too little, just right” dialectic each time.

Coming to the help of caregivers is similar. You can come on too strong and amp up our anxiety, or you can stand back and make us angry because you just don’t seem to care. Finding “just right” is not easy.

We wish there were a magic something something that would make our situation all better. So why wouldn’t you be tempted to come on too strong and try to fix our world from top to bottom?

At the same time, our situations overwhelm us and we want to escape. So why would you want to wade in at all?

Caregivers (especially the lame kind that blog) complain about this stuff all the time. “I can’t believe the way grandma walked in here like everything I do is wrong and she’s gonna fix our kid.” Or, “I’ve been going to that church for twenty years, and not a single person’s offered to help me with this mess.”

A care giver in another city had a bunch of church people show up at her house without warning, packing all kinds of cleaning supplies. And clean up they did – not just the house but what little remains of calm and sanity she had that day. It was embarrassing for her and stressful for her family. Other help might have been welcome, but the church folk did what they thought was important rather than ask what the family might need.

The flip side (anybody know what a flip side is anymore?) is in this Facebook comment from another care giving friend,

All we got from our parish was ignored.

Our church recently tried something that we hope will be “just right.” We identified people we knew to be family caregivers. There were lots when we pulled out the parish list and gave it some attention. Some of it is the normal course of aging and one spouse needing to do more for the other. Other families have a loved one with chronic or terminal illness. There are grandparents caring for grandkids, and kids caring for parents. And there are the special needs families like our own.

We sent a personal note to each, expressing our respect for their efforts. We included a care giver resource sheet from a local community center, and this Bible verse,

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. (Hebrews 6:10, New International Version)

IMG_20150703_115452_701Before the letters went out, they were placed on our church altar and the care givers and those in their care were prayed for by name.

Our hope is that these letters will land in the “just right” place. For those who value privacy and self-sufficiency, we hope to communicate a bit of recognition and encouragement. For those who might want more, we hope the letter is an invitation to ask for help on their terms.

To take it down a few notches and give some workaday examples, it is like dealing with customers in retail. You can put them off by hard sell, and you can put them off by ignoring them. Same with visitors to a church – they don’t want to be pounced upon and they don’t want to stand in a corner while everybody else gabs and swills all the coffee after the service.

If you know a care giver, try to find a “just right” overture. Don’t try to barge in and fix everything, but don’t stand aloof.

And if you are a care giver, don’t make others guess. They are just as intimidated by your situation as you are, but you’ll find they can be very loving and helpful if you’ll give them a bit of guidance.

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