Sometimes I ramble around the internet reading stuff. Many topics interest me, so these cyber jaunts are conscious stimulation of the real me. And in all honesty they are also escapes from the limited me imposed by care giving.
My Spanish used to be quite good and I still have enough left to get into trouble (but not back out). Tonight I read a Spanish blogger’s latest, called “Sad Symphony” in English.
She laments loving someone who runs hot and cold on her. That’s a familiar romantic motif, isn’t it? I mean, Gone With the Wind shrinks down to an hour episode without it.
A few lines of the blog arrested my attention. I’ll put ’em up in Spanish so you can check my translation (or you can trust me and just skip down):
Me siento atada. Atada a una vida que no quiero, que no he elegido. Atada a personas que nunca hacen por entenderme… atada a algo que no sé controlar, atada, amarrada y encadenada a un sentimiento del que no se de dónde viene ni a dónde va. Queriendo gritar con fuerza, y sin encontrar las ganas para hacerlo. Me siento encadenada a algo que me controla sin que pueda escaparme ni correr…
If I’m reading it correctly, it says
“I feel tied up. Tied to a life I don’t want and didn’t choose. Tied to people making no effort to understand me… tied to something I don’t know how to control; tied, bound and chained to a feeling that I don’t know where it’s come from or where it’s going. Wanting to emit a violent scream, and not finding the will to do it. I feel chained to something that controls me and not able to escape or run…”
I mean, care giving arrives and ties your life in knots. You don’t invite it and it doesn’t ask you if you want to sign up.
Care giving is mostly you trying to learn, understand, translate and make allowances while getting back about 99% unhappiness and criticism.
Care giving is drowning in waves of emotions, sometimes yours but sometimes billowing out from those in your care, with no clear sense of any purpose other than trying to gulp some air and survive.
Care giving is feeling trapped – your emotions, hopes and needs trapped somewhere inside and action trapped in routines created by external forces and needs.
But hey, ain’t that romance? There are songs about it (please forgive my entrapping you in the stupid ads that precede the videos)…
… and of course fine fiction…
Well, you get the point.
By the way, this week Melissa and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. Yes, Silver. Romantic that I’ve become, I told her, “The only silver you’ll be seeing is if I don’t shave for a few days.”